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Your Child's Life Story, Part 1Jayne Schooler1/21/2009
Kevin, a tall, handsome adolescent with a winning smile and matching personality, always looked forward to family Thanksgiving gatherings. It was a time when his home overflowed with people, noise, and food for three days. This year was not going to be any different—or so he thought. However, by the end of Thanksgiving weekend, Kevin’s realization of who he is and the circumstances surrounding his adoption would be forever changed.
Kevin had always known he was adopted. When he was 18 months old, he had entered foster care because his mother had died from an undisclosed illness and his father, in distress, left Kevin with a neighbor and never came back. He was adopted by his foster parents a year later, the youngest of three children in the family.
Late Thanksgiving evening, Kevin and his cousin were playing Ping-Pong in the basement. He stood shell-shocked as his cousin told him the truth about his birth parents. Kevin’s mother did not die from an undisclosed illness. She died a drug addict and his father did not leave, at least not voluntarily; he was in prison.
Kevin was devastated by the words of his cousin and broken by what he felt was his parents’ betrayal, though he never mentioned it to them. Before long, he began to withdraw from them and become increasingly angry and sullen. His parents were dumbfounded. What was going on? Was it a problem with school? With friends? No, Kevin was angry because he was hurt knowing that his parents had kept important information from him. Why did they not tell him the truth about his birth parents?
So much damage can be done when the truth is concealed—even if it’s an attempt to protect someone’s feelings. This Handbook on Thriving as an Adoptive Family “bonus” chapter explores sharing an adopted child’s story with him—the whole truth. We will examine the power of keeping secrets, why children need to know their story, five principles to follow in telling the story, a practical tool for telling the story, and God’s message about your child’s life story.
The Power of Family Secrets
Secrets are powerful tools often used to hide a family’s potentially embarrassing or shameful event. But when discovered, family secrets can destroy the love and trust the family has fought so hard to build. What else can secrets do?
Secrets Alter Reality
Katie was adopted as an infant and everyone knew that except Katie. One afternoon, when she was 11 years old, a friend at school asked her a casual question: “Do you know your birth mother’s name?” Katie didn’t know what to say.
“Birthmother? What are you talking about?” Her friend went on to tell her that her mother had said Katie was adopted and had another mother somewhere. Katie didn’t know how to answer. But she did know how she felt—shocked and scared. Her world had changed. She did not know what to do with her feelings and this new reality. Secrets not only alter reality but they can create exclusion and division.
Secrets Create Exclusion and Division
Keeping a secret can divide family members—those who know the secret and those who do not. To keep a secret, according to Harriet Webster in Family Secrets, the secret-keeper must carefully guard all communication with others close to him. This defense mode often leads to distance, anxiety, and awkwardness in relationships with others.1 When there is exclusion from the truth, there will be division. Where there is division the probability of mutual caring, mutual understanding, and mutual honesty is diminished.2
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Harriet Webster, Family Secrets: How Telling and Not Telling Affects Our Children, Our Relationships and Our Lives, (Reading: Mass: Addison-Wesley Publishing, 1991), 11.
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Betsy Keefer and Jayne Schooler, Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child, (Westport, CT: Begin and Garvey Publishers, 2000), 10.
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