| | |
|
Birth Family Relationships, Part 1Mardie Caldwell & Renee Sanford1/21/2009
As adults, we all know where babies come from. Yet, as we parent our
adopted children through the sniffles and broken bones and first
recitals and first broken hearts, it’s easy to forget where our
children came from. The “raw material” that God used to create our
children came from two living, eternal human beings.
While other chapters in the book deal primarily with the identity
issues common to most adoptees, this chapter will focus on the actual
relationship with birth family members. There’s a difference between
knowing information about someone and actually having a relationship
with him or her. In our well-connected world, it is more likely than
ever that your child will now, or someday in the future, have contact
or relationships with the people who brought him into this world.
For starters, modern-day adoption encourages sharing with children from
the beginning that they were adopted. This story, however it is told,
usually includes the role of the birth mother, and perhaps, other
members of the birth family.
A wide array of children’s books available today help families make
this story come to life. Even if a book portrays a different adoption
scenario, it helps your child understand that adoption can happen
different ways, with the result of a loving family.
What most books don’t address is what it’s like to have two different
parents with two very different roles (unlike a divorce and/or
remarriage family situation).
You may find you are writing you and your child’s own story as you go along.
Questions Children Ask
It’s normal for your child to be inquisitive about his birth family.
After all, the birth parents play an important role in your child’s
story and what you share about them will make up a large part of his
perception of them—and of himself.
From the very beginning, humanize the couple who gave birth to your
child. They are a man and woman made in God’s image—not vague, faceless
entities. The respect you show for each birth parent’s intrinsic value
and humanity will boost your child’s own self-respect.
As your child matures, likely the makeup of her questions will change
as well. Answering these key questions in an empathetic and supportive
way is important—even if your child doesn’t ask them out loud.
Why didn’t my mother keep me?
In some adoptions, the child’s birth mother or birth family may have
written a letter explaining the circumstances surrounding the child’s
birth and the love that went into the adoption decision and placement
into the adoptive family. These words from the heart of the birth
family may be able to answer the child’s curiosity and longing better
than any perspective the adoptive parents can give.
But for many adoptive parents, this question is difficult, if not
impossible, to answer. The adoption was closed or the facts were never
disclosed. Unless there is an extensive search, a real relationship is
not possible. Ongoing honesty and sensitivity are key as your child
learns more about his past and as you address his feelings of loss.
Share openly the facts that are known, being considerate of
age-appropriate details. Photographs and written records make the
subject approachable and more natural to discuss.
Remember—just because you have an answer to this question doesn’t mean
that your child won’t still struggle with the facts and feelings of
abandonment and loss. What counts most is your very present love and
support as he goes through these difficult times.
Where is my birth mother/birth father now?
Perhaps you will tell your child that someday you will help her look
for her birth parents. As a believer in an omniscient, loving God, you
can assure your child that God knows where her birth parents are and
that He is caring for them just as He cares for your child. You and
your child can pray for these people, trusting God to do good in their
lives as a result.
Will you always be there for me—even when I have an interest in
learning more about myself and my background, or when I am sorting out
my feelings about being an adopted child?
The answer should always be, “Yes!”
As an adopted child matures and learns more about her history, she
begins to realize that adoption means one family surrendering custody
to another. This may translate into a subconscious or overt concern
that the adoptive parents, too, may someday abandon her. Children of
any age (even young adults) may fear triggering abandonment if they
show interest in or pursue a relationship with members of their birth
family. Don’t ever assume that you have assured your child enough of
your commitment to her—even if she doesn’t verbalize her concerns.
If your communication about the birth family has been open from the
beginning, you have a greater potential for growth and bonding as the
child explores more about his biological background. Remain steadfast
and secure that you are the child’s parents, and that a child searching
his own feelings and sense of self and history does not threaten family
status.
A child wants to know that he can still rely on the parents he has
known, the adoptive parents, for love, support, and encouragement as he
learns more about himself. Simply because a child has an interest in
his biological past does not mean he doesn’t recognize the primary
relationship and role of his adoptive parents.
How will I know how to prevent behaviors or health issues without my full medical history?
Access to medical history may be a concern with an adopted child. The
existence and availability of medical records may vary depending on the
circumstances around the child’s adoption and medical history. Seek out
as much information as you possibly can.
Make sure your child’s doctor is conscious of the child’s adoptive
history and is sensitive to the child’s concerns. A good doctor will be
willing to alleviate a child’s fears by answering any questions and
thoroughly explaining all diagnoses and procedures.
Encourage healthy living as you parent your child. If your child,
particularly as a teenager, is concerned about his medical history,
have his doctor explain all the choices and precautions that can lower
his genetic risk.
Do I need to have a relationship with my birth family?
Adoptive parents may feel their child needs to develop a relationship
with the birth family as part of her emotional well-being. However, not
all adopted children have a felt need to know their birth family
intimately. Adoptive parents can be attentive to their child’s wishes,
and still remain open to the possibility of a relationship, should the
child’s needs change.
Of course, in many cases it is not safe or wise for the child to have a
close relationship with her birth family. Determining the extent of the
contact and emotional connection is your role as a parent, but the key
should be what is best for your child, not just what is convenient or
comfortable for you.
There may come a day when your child is a teen that he will begin to
make his own decisions about staying in touch with his birth family.
While this may be painful for you and the birth family, exploring or
ignoring these relationships are a normal part of the maturation
process. It may fall on you to explain to members of his birth family
that he does not wish to communicate further with them at this time. Be
honest with them, and share that this is a common phase.
|
|
|
| | |
|
| |